@jasonbankscomic: Kids eat free today? Nice. In that case, I’ll have a glass of water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kid’s Bud Light.
@dafloydsta: [spelling bee] Your word is ‘pressure.’ “Can you use it in a sentence?” “I think it’s time we move in together.”
@contwixt: Lately I go to the restroom at the movies but forget where I’m seated, then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
@gibjimson: You meant these doors open automatically for everyone, not just me?
@jacksawyerr: It’s nice having dogs that continuously warn me about nothing outside.
@trytheveal: My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
@underchilde: The fastest way to get to the front of the line at Starbucks is just to tell everyone you saw Adele outside.
@Jake_Vig: The logjam of candidates still in the presidential race could result in my greatest fear: Presidential Candidate Dance-Off.
@theshantilly: Wrong key, wrong key, wrong key, wrong key, wrong key, wrong key… me trying to unlock my potential.
@shutupmike: Facebook should change its name to Acquaintance Birthday Reminder.