@stephenjmollay: Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?” Nurse: “B Positive.” Doctor: “Okay, I don’t think this patient is dying.”
@cheeseboy22: The declawed cats that I feel most sorry for are the ones that want to play scratch off lottery tickets.
@Ispeakteenlife: Yawning is our body’s way of saying 20% of battery remaining.
@sixthformpoet: Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.
@ianabramson: I don’t know what’s healthier, but a grilled cheese sandwich tastes way better than a boiled one.
@bumpyride: I wonder if Earth teases other planets for having no life.
@paxochka: When will forms stop asking me if I’m Mrs., Miss, or Ms. and realize I’m an @?
@kellyoxford: The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly the way Cinderella felt at midnight.
@LMFaye: Saw a chameleon today so I’m assuming it wasn’t a very good one.
@Bill_Nye: Reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.