Some good news, at last. Don Matt, musician, Prince of Clean, and 2nd runner-up in this year’s People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” contest, has been elected Alternative President of the United States (aka Universe). According to officials at the official polling place – the Eureka Springs Official Public Library – Matt’s victory was contested, but convincing: “Don Matt has been elected Alternative President! His victory comes after a surprisingly tight race against two unexpected challengers who rose to prominence via robust write-in campaigns. Placing second with 7 votes was Judy Griffith, followed by Snake Venom who received 6 votes.”
The election results were as follows: Don Matt 26, Judy Griffith 7, Venom Snake 6, Honey Boo Boo 2, Yoda 2, Hillary Clinton 1, Loretta Crenshaw 1, Selena Gomez 1, Biggy Rat & Itchy Brother 1,Vladimir Putin 1. President-elect Matt read the following statement on notification of his victory:
“As the alternative Donald, I just want to thank the team that made this possible. In the Alternate Universe where I am now President I am going to make dang sure that we all make huge amounts of money in the self promotion of our collective egos (not really). I am going to continue to serve all of you in your janitorial needs to assure that at least in this little corner of our great country we are keeping things clean. Judy will now be First Lady and in what is the new tradition she will be living at our home in beautiful Mar-a-Ninestone and I will be commuting there to play on the tractor every weekend. It’s going to be great and we will make so much money you will get sick of making money…
…Of course, I will be donating my presidential salary to the Library.”
Public intellectuals and pundits from the national media were stunned – and largely silent – by the relative ease with which Matt won election. He carried every precinct except the ones he lost by huge margins – insanely big margins never seen before, believe me – and coasted to triumph without Chinese manufactured hats, no East European super-models, and with zero diddling by Russian secret agents.
Please join me in congratulating President Matt.