The Pursuit of Happiness

I have discovered the power of thoughts and prayers and feel awfully good about it. Excited even. One of my tenants has asked for the repair of an uncooperative Venetian blind. I send her thoughts and prayers, and benedictions too numerous to count. I can think of no better property management system.

Good news for waiters and waitresses too. In my less prayerful days, I tipped indifferent servers 10%, good ones 15% and, if I liked them, 20%. Now, I’ll leave thoughts and prayers. But the really good news is that the worse they are at their job, the more I’ll think about and pray for them. How cool is that!

The excellent news continues. We no longer have to support charitable organizations. With thoughts and prayers, all creatures great and small will be unsullied and chaste. Consequently, the Good Shepard Humane Society can stop spaying and neutering dogs and cats; may they roam freely, but virtuous and uncorrupted of course, in all our alleys and byways. And so long Loaves and Fishes of the Ozarks, collection plates at Sunday services, and all those annoying GoFundMe accounts for funeral expenses. Now, let’s hold them in our thoughts and prayers instead.

And the Eureka Springs City Council is off the hook, finally, for repairing our gnarly, dangerous, and perilous sidewalks: dear Tourists, their thoughts and prayers are with you! Walk about please, with confidence, sureness, and with the certainty that the Higher Power of your choice is with you. And, by all means, let’s stop funding the City Advertising and Promotion Commission. We’ll hold prayer meetings instead and, remember: keep those positive thoughts flowing.

To our brave men and women in blue, our magnificent First Responders, yes, we’re ignoring your pleas for rational and sane gun laws and policies, but no worries: we’re praying for you, and we think about you a lot. I mean, a whole bunch. Really.

And to the Republican Party in general, and to Arkansas’s Congressional delegation in particular, I’ve left my thoughts and prayers on the dresser. You can pick them up on your way out of the room.