How to make pickles
First of all, there was a committee meeting. The members of the committee were chosen by the pickle captain, who is the one with the cucumbers.
The captain’s crisper was heavy with cucumbers, both long and short in shades of green. He had seven empty pint jars with matching lids sitting on a shelf, so it was time to call the meeting to order.
“We’re going to make seven pints of pickles,” the captain announced. “Humans have been making pickles for 4000 years, so we’ll be connecting with our Mesopotamian forebears. Pickles were a favorite of Cleopatra, so we’ll make a special jar just for her, though in her absence, I’ll assume responsibility. So, let’s get the pickle train rolling!”
The jar prep subcommittee – Calvin and Eddy – opened the Procedure Manual to Section 2 which indicated somebody should clean the jars, so they sudsed them up, rinsed them well, and laughed about it. “Look at ‘em sparkle,” Eddy said, while Calvin carefully lowered them into the pot of water in which they would be put to a boil for ten minutes.
All the while, the cucumber prep sub-committee discussed how the cukes should be cut considering they were going into pint jars. “All shapes matter,” Norma stated, “but I say simple round slices.”
Naila countered, “I like spears better because they remind me of spears.”
Joanne queried, “When do we eat them?” and little did they know that Beverly right behind them had already cut the whole batch into round slices.
“Looks like our job here is done,” Norma quipped, “but for the next batch, we should arrange spears like pickle Stonehenges with verticals on the bottom topped by horizontals. We’ll be pickle artists.”
“Can we eat them yet?” the ever-focused Joanne asked.
Meanwhile, gathered around the table across the room was the recipe/spice sub-committee sifting through options for what kind of pickles they would be making. Would they make dill, bread and butter, sweet, spicy, garlicky – they had plenty options, but what really mattered was what actual ingredients were on hand.
After a tour of the cupboards and refrigerator, they came away with apple cider vinegar, garlic, mustard seed, salt, sprigs of dill and some grape leaves which satisfied one of the recipes. The recipe was for making four pints, so the arithmetic team of the recipe/spice sub-committee set to work with spreadsheets and calculators to re-figure the vinegar/water/salt ratios and amounts for seven pints. The results were submitted to the pickle captain for his approval.
According to Section Four, Article 22, of the Procedure Manual, it was the responsibility of the recipe squad to prepare and boil the vinegar mix. After that, jarmeisters Calvin and Eddy, who had been playing video games during their break, took over. Eddy carefully placed a grape leaf into each jar so the pickles would stay crispy. He added a sprig of dill, a clove of garlic and, just for fun, a few mustard seeds into the jars. Then – it was like zen – he arranged Beverly’s cucumber slices in all seven jars.
At that point, the first of two dramatic events took place. Eddy took the recently boiled vinegar liquid and, with the deftness of YoYo Ma, poured it over the cucumbers slices in the seven jars. He screwed on the seven rings over the seven lids and nodded “Your turn” to Calvin.
Calvin nodded in return and confidently grabbed the jar grabber tool and one by one precisely and softly placed the famous jars into the big pot of water on the stove. The captain turned on the burner (see Chapter Nine of the Procedure Manual).
Ten or eleven minutes later, the pickle captain turned off the burner. Water still frothed around for a while, but eventually Calvin safely removed the jars of pickles and set them on a towel to cool.
Calvin and the captain nodded. People in Mesopotamia nodded. Norma envisioned pickles of the future, and Joanne was ready for one of Cleopatra’s pickles.