From the Back Porch

Throughout the country these late spring days come sounds of discomfort and confusion. From Exxon stations to Kroger Foods to Walmart, the anguished questions: “Why is this happening?  What can I do about it?”

Because good American citizens look for answers, in the vein of Jonathan Swift I submit

                                               My Modest Proposal

Trained in logic and modes of analysis, I lay out the problem, then look for solutions. The increase in prices, thus the human discomfort, stems directly from two acts – tariffs and a war in Iran.

We are a kind, thoughtful, and law-abiding  nation. When faced with serious problems and their root causes, corrections can be considered. We have televised proof that the brilliant brain that made these decisions, the huge hand that Sharpied the tariffs and the military order to attack Iran was that of Trump who will be in office until the next election, more than two years from today. 

Are there lawful ways to  correct this problem? After deep thought and intense problem solving, I come to the workable solutions presented here. The island where Epstein’s activities flourished, now unused, provides the necessary real estate at a small percentage of the taxpayer money used for his current majestic manipulations.

Using the existing governmental structures, I suggest the formation of a new D of T, (a Department of Trump), a department to supervise, control, and entertain the man. From ancient times, the role of women has been to provide such comfort. This department will be headed by three women: Liz Cheney, Marjorie Taylor Greene, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. With no restrictions to funding, electronics, staffing, ideas, equipment, legality, or space, they will be pledged to the mission, codenamed OMEGA.

OMEGA will have full use of its own newsfox, a channel already practiced in creating masterful illusions to masquerade as reality. Useful skills. Its first task will be to re-create Napoleon and his history. Since Trump neither knows nor reads history, Napoleon will be a man 6’2”, blond, charismatic, a builder, a dealmaker, attractive, a winner who was honored with the isle of Elba where he created golden forms and grand vistas.

Starting immediately, such information will be presented and easily authenticated since the senior Kushner is now ambassador to France. It will be he who discovers, deep in a sub-sub-basement of the Louvre, a room of wine-filled casks one of which contains Napoleon’s well-preserved prodigious penis.

While newsfox prepares the man, armies of equipment and workers will be sent to create a golden island replete with golf courses, ballrooms, arches, statues, drone-proof bunkers, looped tapes of cheering crowds, monthly Pulitzers, election wins, successful deals made, foreign leaders bowing heads… an endless ego loop.

In the midst of a mild traffic stop, he will be saved by Secret Service men who whisk him off to safety. OMEGA will be charged with providing real life sycophants, easily available. For example, Arkansas’ own Senator Cotton, seemingly a MAGA, has a yearly travel budget of nearly a quarter million dollars. He neither lives in nor visits Arkansas: his last town hall was held in April 2017. He thus has un-used funds, enough to visit the island often. Many elected officials and billionaire movers and shakers will gladly make the journey, especially those who had already been there in the “good old days.” There is also the option of hiring young Caucasian actors for such a gig now and then.

The single function of the Department will be to maintain a life that will keep Trump content in his own island bliss: adulation, programmed  “wars” that need to be won, awards to be given him, visits from lickspittles, proofs of wealth, televised speeches before massive crowds – anything and everything from AI, creative people, and the need for this great country to re-find its soul.

Social Security actuarial tables show that an 80-year-old man has 8.11 years to live. DOT will self-destruct. Until that time, the department’s costs will be offset by an organization called the Trump Relief Fund. This organization will receive donations from America, possibly from elsewhere, by people sighing in relief that our country is again in the loving hands of We The People.

From the back porch in sudden evening sunshine, I submit this proposal and a check made out to TRF in the amount of eighty-six dollars and forty-seven cents.