Can you hear me now?


(Friends of ours just bought a home outside Nashville, and asked about cell phone reception. This is the reply they got.)

It has come to my attention that the need to survey the premises of Sally’s homestead to determine the exact locations of cell phone reception has come to a climax. Having spent a full week here, I scouted locations for the members of the family and will direct each of you to the proper sites for acceptable cell phone reception.

I am sure that we are all aware of Doug’s directions to Stephanie alluding to some strange acrobatic position involving hanging out of second story windows. I am here to tell everyone it is much simpler than that.

The first and primary location for sending and receiving text messages is on the back porch. Now, you may also receive incoming phone calls at this location, however, when you retrieve the phone from the receiving location and place it to your ear, you will drop the call. Kudos to the family member who can actually answer the phone in this position and carry on a conversation without a dropped call. I suggest returning the call from the house phone, though staticky, does carry a much more successful phone conversation than the cell phone. The location is on top of the two bird books on the small 3-legged table placed precisely 3 inches from the back door with one leg touching the white paint stripe. The phone must be placed at an 85-degree angle to the bottom left pane of the door exactly at the outer edge of said pane 5 inches out from the door. Reception here is one to two bars depending on cloud cover, wind speed and direction.

The second location is strictly for random reception of text messages sent days or hours previously that were not picked up by the phone while you were in a 5-bar reception location. This spot is located in the bedroom on the first floor, on the bed, propped on the small blue striped pillow placed at the bottom right corner of Emmi’s sleeping pillow. We all know that’s the one with the towel on it (not that she herself places so as not to get cat hair on the pillow. Good try, Mom.)

The third location provides two bar reception for sending and receiving lengthy messages and those one has the voracious bravery to send with a photo. This spot is found in the driveway. You must stand with your back to the garage with your left foot exactly to the right of the center line of the driveway and you must be exactly in line with the tulip poplar trees.

Now, to maintain two bar reception at this location, you must remain standing and do not sway or move. It is not advisable to attempt to use your cell phone at this location during a thunderstorm. I did not attempt a phone call at this location. You are welcome to do so at your own success risk.

The fourth and final location for text reception is in the center of the front stairs of the house. By center I mean, center from side to side and top to bottom. Reception is intermittent depending on cloud cover and might require some patience. However, you are welcome to count passing cars while you wait. I would not attempt a phone call at this location as it might not prove to be as reliable.

I hope that this helps in future visits, the peacefulness and the sweet friendliness of all the people compensates for the perceived inconvenience. Every problem is reparable; the only thing in life you cannot fix is death itself. 

You are most welcome.