By Dan Krotz
That old Ozark Mountain folk artist, Skidmore C. Shanksberry, is contemplating a series of paintings that capture moments of celebration and angst among the citizens of these fair hills and valleys. Among these moments is the energetic apprehension of our Southern Heritage, the riotous collapse of cities and villages at the sight of a snowflake, and the outrage on the faces of our local Second Amendment scholars when young women at the University of Arkansas at Fayetteville exercise their First Amendment rights.
On the easel now is an action painting of two elderly hookers running a race. Neither has a heart of gold and one of them is insane. The insane hooker’s foot edges across the finish line first while professional handicappers on the sidelines go numb. Skidmore has titled it The Look on Their Faces.
Next up is a painting of a chubby trustfund baby riding through the streets in a gilded carriage pulled by scantily clad models from Eastern Europe. A crowd of deliriously happy citizens race behind the carriage carrying Confederate battle flags and platters of baked goods. Please Sir, Eat My Cake! will be a 24×36 in. watercolor on two taped-together brown paper bags. Skidmore believes Eat will fetch a high dollar.
An old boy in an $18,000 bass boat is talking on a $600 cellphone to Homeland Security and crying his eyes out into a river of tears. As his boat floats down the sorrowful river, the old boy tells Homeland Security that he’s spied some Mexicans on the river’s south bank; they’re cutting grass and bagging leaves in a subdivision, stealing work from a genuine American. Cry Me A River should retail for about $24.
Skidmore’s masterworks will be Hump U No. 1 and Hump U No. 2. In No. 1, Americans enroll in Hump University – half excited and happy, half scared and shocked – as they go to get schooled by the Master himself. No. 2 will show them leaving Hump U by the back door. How they’ll look, and what results from the Master’s touch, remains to be seen.
Skidmore currently hangs at the Methodist Ladies Flea Market in Shell Knob, Missouri.
Oh, you scoundrel!