Dear Dan,
We know you’re not Dear Abby but the husband and I are at wit’s end and we don’t know where else to turn. Our daughter, who’s always been a good girl and seldom a cause for concern, has hooked herself up with a man we know will break her heart and ruin her life. We’ve tried everything we can to set her straight, but it’s like she’s in a trance or had a head trauma accident where she can’t tell the difference between an ice cream sundae and a barrel of cow flop.
We know there’s a shortage of decent mates out there. Her last suitor was a tired old Baby Boomer in $3,000 pantsuits who thought the rustbelt was a take-it-for-granted fashion accessory. But, God help us, the guy she’s chosen instead would steal Mother Hubbard’s dog – and sell it back to her wrapped in cellophane and labeled chicken fried steak.
We’re simple folk, old-fashioned churchgoers who value modesty, truthfulness, loyalty, and thrift, and we thought we’d passed those virtues on to our children. Yet, here’s our girl, smitten by a serial adulterer who’s lied to and cheated on every single person – from wives to small contractors to draft boards to… well, to just about everyone he’s ever met.
What hurts most, though, is how it’s divided our family. What can we do? She’s outraged that we can’t accept the new boyfriend, but if we accept him, it means living in a constant state of embarrassment, making a mockery of our Christian beliefs and turning our backs on old friends and swapping them out for the boyfriend’s thug and bully pals.
All that, and our daughter still loves him, loves him the way adolescent boys love a certain secret and addictive behavior they’re told will make them go blind if they do it. The only difference is that her addictive behavior really does cause blindness, blindness to Truth, Justice, and what used to be the American Way. Dan, is there anything we can do to win our little girl’s heart back and restore her to sanity?
Signed, Distraught in Arkansas
Dear Distraught,
No.
Funny. And not funny. Good piece.