From the time she was 15 and helped carry deceased ER patients to the morgue at the Nebraska county hospital where she worked, and throughout the next 45 years including 28 as a Registered Respiratory Therapist for the Veteran’s Administration on a CODE team for patients with heart and respiratory issues, Roberta Smith developed a close working acquaintance with death.
“Every accident and emergency in the area came to that county hospital in the fifties,” Smith said. “One night I helped carry seven bodies to the morgue, and basically, I was just a kid. I got a lot of experience that helped me see death as just a part of the story of life, so by the time I retired from the government I was able to deal with it in a different way than most people.”
Today Smith is a group leader for the widely acclaimed international Grief Share program, locally an ongoing 13 weeks of Sunday afternoon sessions structured strictly for people dealing with the loss of a loved one such as a close or extended family member, spouse, child or friend of any age. The loss does not have to be recent.
After 40 years in nursing, RN Darlene Balance took an early retirement last year and became interested in exploring the Grief Share program as an observer and nurse facilitator. Only after being part of the program did she realize she had never dealt with the 2018 death of her mother.
“As a nurse, I’ve never been that upset by death, but the passing of my grandmother was rough. Since then, I’ve seen so much death at work – you just move on; and I came to realize I’d never taken the time to grieve the death of my mom.
“Observing these Grief Share sessions, I’ve seen that isolation can lead to depression and negative thoughts. I noticed week-by-week that everyone who read the material and did the work became less quiet and sad. I noticed that when you do the work, address your feelings and don’t try to hide them, things begin to change. You work through the grief,” Ballance said.
“Grief can be exhausting,” Smith added. “It makes you tired. So, the first week begins with meaningful reflection and unraveling your emotions. We even discuss how to deal with fumbling sympathizers.
“Each week there’s a video, a discussion, workbook homework and some journaling. Numbing doesn’t help, but talking does. We’re not ‘healed’ from grief, just from misuse of it – it’s not the same as forgetting, it’s remembering in a healthy way. You have to learn to let go. Life doesn’t slow down. You can’t carry all that loss. If you don’t deal with it, it will crush you. I think of a person in one group who was stuck in anger for seven years!”
Smith noticed some people would use “my husband” or “my (relationship)” instead of the loved one’s name.
“The day we decided to use names was a breakthrough,” she said. “It went from ‘our story becomes my story’ to ‘our story becomes my story but it’s still our story.’ We rediscover who we are when we’re left alone. We learn new things and blossom again, and that person we miss is still with us as we move on with love and memories intact.
“There is a healthy way to grieve. I have seen such remarkable change in people – the light bulb goes on and there is life after loss,” Smith said.
Former Grief Share group member, Lyman Squires, lost both his wife and a son and found the most important aspect of Grief Share to be the “Share.”
Lyman was married to Betty for 72 of the 83 years they knew each other.
“The first time I ate out without her, I looked over at the table where we always sat and that table was empty. It was very hard. I looked around and saw one of the Grief Share partners there and sat and talked. That was a huge help,” Squires said. “The most moving thing about participating in the group, for me, was the support.
“It seems like a lot of people want to get over their loss, but not me. That relationship is too precious to let it go. Being thankful for what we had was so overwhelming that it softened the grief.”
Lyman’s advice to those facing life forever altered by the loss of a loved one hints at the heart of the Grief Share program. “You’re hurting so much from your loss that it becomes about you. Don’t be sad it’s over. Be glad that it happened.”
Grief Share’s new weekly sessions begin February 15 from 2 – 4 p.m. at First Christian Church, 763 Passion Play Road in Eureka Springs. Sessions are free, but there is a charge for a workbook. Contact: Roberta Smith (402) 651-7269 or manna4life@cox.net. Or register at griefshare.org/findagroup.
Walk-ins are welcome at any session Sundays at 2 p.m. – last session is May 10. Registrants are encouraged to attend all sessions.