A male friend and I are both single, in our mid-30s and not interested in committed relationships right now. The chemistry’s great and we’ve discussed pursuing a casual-sex friendship but we know it can be tricky. Guidance please?
Despite continued academic progress regarding human sexuality our cultural mores lag desperately behind. Most equate casual sex with drunken one-night stands or shameful moralistic mistakes. “Mistakes” can range from ex-sex to drive-through sex, in and out for a quickie, much like booty-call sex, typically arranged by text after midnight and a lot of alcohol.
Then there’s mercy-sex with that friend who’s down on their luck and of course comfort-sex, akin to a Ben & Jerry’s binge following a professional insult, nasty break up or the tragic loss of a pet. There’s even occasion-sex, whether it be New Year’s Eve or a power outage – it’s a reason to romp. A shortage of reasons to befriend and bed-down will never be found.
The hook-up, booty-call culture that’s upon us holds a definitively bad rap. Call me a harlot, but I call B.S. on the bad rap. It’s an undeserved perspective sustained by misinformation and misogyny.
To exemplify, I’ve paraphrased one of a zillion like-minded advice blogs: “Friends with benefits ain’t so bad… for him. He’s got a hot girl (you), a gal pal and sex all the time without the stress of living together, the nagging, having to meet your family or spending copious amounts of money on dinner dates and gifts. He’s got it made and you could too if that’s what you wanted, but you don’t. You want more. So here’s what to do to become the woman he wants emotionally…”
This immature, sexist drivel for advice infuriates me, yet it permeates Adult Advice forums like the plague. Why do we continue promulgating the destructive, not to mention idiotic premise that by having sex men are getting something whereas women are giving something up? Let’s stop now and take a moment to adopt the enlightened premise that like men, women are equally sexual creatures who experience needs, desires and downright burning lust.
Hook-ups and booty-calls aside, a casual-sex friendship between mature adults is possible. Friendships are based upon mutual respect, so why can’t sex be included?
Part 2: Navigating a Healthy Friends-with-Benefits Relationship. Stay tuned!