Notice: Sexual victimization plagues humanity. That’s not what this column is about.
“Suzi-Homemaker” describes me well, but sometimes during sex with my husband I feel the urge to be forceful. This confuses me, I’m not an aggressive person. I’m afraid to tell him, I’m sure he’d think I’m nuts. Am I nuts?
By Leslie Meeker – Sex and aggression, what a delightfully good match they make.
I can hear the Abuse by Advice Column hotlines ringing already. Hang up and read on.
No, you’re not Nuts. It’s human nature. It’s passion. It’s not for everybody but it is for many. Passion refers to any powerful or compelling emotion whether it be loving or malicious.
In your case it’s clearly loving, fueled by sexual arousal and aimed directly at the man you married. What could be better?
Arousal is arousal, whether engaged sexually, aggressively or otherwise. Consider a moment when you’ve been enraged, a moment you’ve been panicked, and a moment you’ve been terrified.
While these states of arousal are cognitively very different, the physiological response is almost identical. You begin sweating, breathing more rapidly, your face flushes, your heart pounds inside your chest and your body trembles uncontrollably.
Regardless of the circumstance, at a high level of arousal the fight or flight mechanism is triggered. To fight or use force is a natural response. Your urge to be forceful when highly sexually aroused is an honest –and if you allow it – uninhibited expression of your love and desire for your husband.
In the context of a safe and trusting relationship, a bit of boudoir bullying can be quite the turn on. A tight tug on the locks, a searing smack to the derriere, a suckle from starvation, bondage to allow abandon, penetration to punish passion… desire and danger connected.
The bond between sexual pleasure and pain is not so mysterious after all. Rough play in the romance department is just that. Play. It’s consensual, not harmful and never victimizing. Due to previous history, for many it’s not an option.
Sans said history, try this mantra for a bit of a switch in mindset: Bind my wrists so I cannot push you away. Bind my body so I cannot escape the craft of your lips, tongue, teeth and hands. Blindfold me so I quiver in desperate anticipation of what’s to come. Bind me. Free me.