I love my family but the big holidays aren’t what they should be. There’s always tension and every year some big drama occurs. I’m over it. How do I deal with it or how can I change it?
By Leslie Meeker – Though Christmas has passed, New Year celebrations are on the horizon, followed by numerous holidays, family birthdays, baptisms, weddings and funerals. The ability to maneuver family functions unscathed is a skill-set worthy of year-round mastery.
My advice: Give Up Hope. Pessimistic, non-therapeutic or otherwise, Let’s be Real.
You’ve accumulated a library of self-help guides, spent years in therapy and you’re diligent in your daily meditation practice. Yet, less than 20 minutes into a family holiday event you find yourself ensnared in the dreaded dance of dysfunction.
History repeats itself. Always.
Your alcoholic uncle is likely once more to relieve himself in your neighbor’s backyard. Your grandmother will pester your brother about marriage and children. Clueless still that he’s gay and already married to that buddy of his from college that he brings to every family event.
Should you meander toward the dessert table, Grandma is certain to ask if you’re not still dieting. Mother of course intervenes on your behalf, explaining that such comments are detrimental to your sustained recovery from those adolescent eating disorder issues. Boundary violations are a given.
Dad will ask if you’ve gotten a real job yet, provoking you yet again to defend the field of social work and child welfare. Great grandfather’s still truckin’ along with his foul, discriminatory verbiage that makes you cringe and run for cover, thanking God none of your friends are present.
Your on-and-off again narcotic addicted aunt will once again be born-again. She’ll insist that you too would benefit from the cult-of-the-month, fire and brimstone bible studies and sermons that now consume her life. She’ll certainly inform your divorced sister about the Virginity Pledge and the importance of becoming, as she has, a born-again virgin.
Bottom line, never attend family events in search of validation. Know your truth and hold it. Let go of your differences and focus on your similarities. Almost anything is tolerable when time is limited. Plan for a later obligation, two or three hours out.
Bring a friend, an outsider usually pushes family to be on their best behavior. If not, detach and witness the shenanigans through your friends’ eyes. Comedic relief will set you free.