I lost my wife of 25 years just before Thanksgiving. I think my son and daughter, both in their early 20s, and I only survived Thanksgiving because we were still in that dazed state of disbelief. Reality’s set in now and Christmas, my wife’s all-time favorite holida,y is weeks away. How am I supposed to handle this?
By Leslie Meeker – With Santas on every corner, the exploding sparkle and oozing merriment can feel more mocking than comforting for those newly and deeply grieving.
While it’s reasonable to feel disconnected given the current festivities, maintaining connection with close family and friends is top priority this Christmas. Alone time to grieve is equally important. It’s a tricky balance.
Above all, listen to yourself and trust yourself. Be honest and clear with others about what you want and do not want. Plan ahead. Even better, have a plan A and B.
With your wife’s death occurring right in the middle of this holiday season, sticking with your traditional Christmas plan might be best. If that’s plan A, plan B could be a pajama day with the kids and a marathon of your family’s favorite indulgences – movies, foods, spirits and such. When grieving, feelings are unpredictable and in constant flux. Plan on it. So plan on changing your mind.
After a death material things can seem meaningless. Skip the gifts or change it up. Splurge on a gift for yourself. Take a cherished Christmas ornament to adorn your wife’s gravesite as a gift to her. Pick a few of your wife’s favorite belongings and gift them to those closest to her so the things she valued can continue to be appreciated.
While your wife has died, your love for her lives on. Make this Christmas a celebration of your love and her life. Create a new tradition in her memory and a space where you can honor her memory. Display cherished pictures of her there from Christmases past or light a candle in her honor.
Make a memory box so you and your children can deposit notes there about treasured memories throughout the upcoming year. Next Christmas read the notes together in honor of her and the love you’ve all shared.
On the other hand, if facing this Christmas is downright unbearable then just skip it. Really. Take a break. There’s another one right around the corner. Plan on it.