My boyfriend asks a lot of questions about my past sexual relationships, he even wants specifics. He’s shared some of his past with me too, honestly things I wish I never knew. How much of my sexual history do I really need to share?
Open communication about sexual history can be beneficial. As you’ve discovered, it can also be harmful. A big gray area it is not. The Do’s and Don’ts are quite definitive regarding the extent to which you share your sexual past with your partner.
It sounds as if this is a new relationship, when questions abound. Along the lines of, “I just want to crawl inside of you, know you completely and revel in your ever-abundant awesomeness!”
That’s all well and good but your boyfriend’s questioning smacks more of sexual voyeurism than caring curiosity. Your discomfort says he’s digging in the Don’ts. Your sexual past is not for his excavation. Time to terminate his nosy expedition.
The Do’s of self-disclosure include sharing specifics about your current sexual health, transmittable diseases and birth control methods in use. If past sexual trauma is effecting your current sexual functioning, well that gives me pause.
Should disclosure seem necessary, it is never necessary on the first date or the first several dates. Next to nothing is more painful than being dumped by your latest love interest after sharing the burden of a past sexual tragedy.
Don’t share how many crushes are currently courting you, don’t give a blow by blow of any previous sexual escapade, and never compare your new lover to a previous one. Truth is, you don’t even have to ‘fess up to past cheating. No, it’s not being deceitful but it is being decent and kind.
Talking about the great sex you had with your ex is not a turn-on. Don’t do it! Even if your intent is somehow twistedly positive, just don’t. “Oooh, yes I like that. Ex used to do that and I forgot how good it feels.” Not a pleasing visual for New Lover. So forget completely how good it felt because that territory will never be titillated in said fashion again.
However, you navigate the Do’s and Don’ts, bottom line is that in any new relationship Safe Sex is the Name of the Game… and That’s A Wrap.