I’m 42, divorced and I’ve been single for years. I’m fine being single but a part of me fears being alone forever. I meet nice guys through friends often but I just don’t feel it. Other people connect easily. Why is it so hard for me to connect on a romantic level?
Singlism, the prejudicial belief that being single is somehow inferior to being coupled, certainly prevails. Don’t buy it!
Being single has its benefits. Single adults are self-sufficient, they’ve typically accrued a more diverse set of confidants and enjoy deeper relationships with friends. They don’t have to fess-up to their latest fender-bender upon arriving home and can enjoy that consequential extra glass of wine or two in a judgment free zone. To top that, according to the CDC marriage makes you fat. Stay stealth while you can.
Your ambivalence about having a serious relationship coupled with your fear of being forever alone presents a quandary that begs for self-reflection. It’s time to check your baggage.
Relationships are risky and destined at some point to bring pain and bitterness. In self-protection mode, it’s natural to build a few walls or a veritable fort for that matter. Of course this doesn’t start with dating. This starts at home in childhood.
For women, the father-daughter relationship builds the foundation for all future relationships with men, romantic or otherwise. Women with emotionally distant or absent fathers, whether it be illness, addiction or death are at a particular disadvantage. Being open and trusting with men may be a life-long challenge.
It’s likely you don’t allow yourself to be adequately vulnerable for any real closeness to develop between you and a potential partner. You’re suspicious of men who show “too much” interest and label them as needy or desperate, an automatic turn-off. You’re especially prompt in pointing out flaws the moment you meet a kindly new gent. After all, you have a well-developed list of rules and no-goes because you’ve sworn you’ll never “settle.”
If it’s not them, then it’s you. Is your self-esteem working double time to manage that chatty inner critic’s forever wrath, “you’re too fat, too old, too weird” to be of interest to any worthy candidate? Your Sexy can’t ever trend under such constant tread.
Send that cozy life-preserver downstream. Honestly, it’s ok to get wet. Dive in!